Check out this excerpt, where author Terrance Dean (Hiding In Hip-Hop) explores the intricacies of being a black gay man in a white gay dating world in his latest piece for Advocate.com.
Growing up, many black people are taught an emphasized sense of pride and self-assurance of loving oneself that their white counterparts are typically not. White men do not need validation in a world that already justifies their existence. Then again, some whites appreciate dark skin, but it seems too often that it is out of novelty or fetishism, rather than pure connection.
“There are white men who think that just because they are attracted to or sleep with black men, they can’t be racist,” says James Earl Hardy, 42, a writer in Atlanta and New York. “It’s as if their ability to deep-throat black dick means they don’t have a prejudice or bigoted bone in their body. They oftentimes feel the need to tell me they love black men. I always have to correct them. No, you love black meat. That is what you have reduced us to.”
Darian Aaron, a 29-year-old writer and activist from Atlanta, says the media’s shallow portrayal of black gay men is a key ingredient in the roots of the problem. “Black men are often obsessed and glorified by white men. They buy into the myths that black gay men are well-endowed and hypermasculine. White men tend to worship and seek after that and nothing else. I don’t want to be anyone’s object. We are smart, intelligent, and more than our penises.”
The fascination with the black male physique can be pinpointed to centuries ago, when slaves were stripped nude in public view of white men and women. Slaveholders boasted of black men’s penises, stating, “He is good for mating with negro slave women to produce virile offspring."
“Some of my white friends will hook up with someone black or Hispanic because it’s like a trophy,” says Jeff Brauer, 38, political science professor in Scranton, Penn. “They wouldn’t date or have a relationship with them. They think black and Hispanic men are only interested in sex. It’s a sexual thing, so they think they have nothing else in common with them.”
“Black gay men have not been out of the closet or comfortable in their own skin as white gay men,” says Lee Hayes, 35, a Washington, D.C.–based writer. “Black men are not out to the same degree as white gay men. We have a need to blend into society instead of standing out. To date outside our race makes that particularly difficult.”
Wow what an awesome article. This definitely got me thinking about something I have been thinking about for a long time. This is the time I wish I had my radio podcast up and going, because this is a topic I would be able to explain better on a mic instead of typing. Growing up with interracial parents, I didn't really experience racism on that front. I was called faggot more than I was called nigger or any mixed race comments paeople would have made when I was a kid. I never really experienced racism until I started to get more into the gay community. While I do agree with some of the comments made in this article, some I do not. Because I have exotic features (I am Filipino, Black, American Indian, German and Spaniard), I often do feel as if I am seen as an object or something to wear on someone's sleeve, just because I look different than what men usually go for. Often times than not, I am fetishized by black men, and I hear the comments that they make which to me comes off as racist. Yes white men make little comments as well, but I don't think we should only put it on White men fetishizing Black men or thinking that black men all have big dicks. I can definitely tell you that isn't the case. I have a friend who feeds into this shit and has even gone on to say that white men have small penises. This coming from someone who has never slept with one (so how in the hell would he know). We shouldn't only put it off on white men fetishizing black men. I have gone to The Web (the only Asian gay club in NYC) on the Upper East Side, and I see how the Asian gogo boys are compared to the latino and black dancers. Often times I see Asians going for white men and vice versa. I couldn't name one Asian dancer that hangs out with me at the club. All of my friends who dance are Latino. Yea I give my tips, but don't only think older white men have money. You bitches don't know what I do for a living.
I guess growing up in an interracial household, where my mother wanted me to go to school where I could be around all types of cultures instead of just one has opened my eyes to loving all kinds of men instead of just one kind. If I was being fetishized, I would definitely let you know I don't go for that shit. Let's talk about James Earl Hardy. I have read all his B Boy Blues books, and from the way he writes white men as stupid pisses me off. If you don't want people to be racist against you, you shouldn't be racist as well. What's good for the goose...as they say. I have no problem dating outside of my race, and will continue to do so. i feel education is key. The more we open our eyes to different races, and care less about who people are fucking, maybe we can get along better in the world and in our own community.
Have you ever dated outside of your race? Would you consider doing so now? How do you feel about black gay men who only date white men and vice versa? In the post Obama era should race even be apart of the equation when looking for a mate?
5 comments:
Why do blacks love to make themselves out to be victims? Hairy men are judged to be more masculine, too. Blond men are judged to be more passive. White men are assumed to be less masculine. These stereotypes are no more racist or damaging than assumptions about black men. There are a number of size queens who like only white & Latin men if they are hung, thereby reducing them to dick size. There are stereotypes about all types. Blacks are not special.
As a non-black man who is drawn primarily to black men, I recently did a video interview with Black Gay Men's Blog on interracial dating. Though this is an issue fraught with complexity, it is far more complex from the black prism-of-vision.
Which is why one graf in your terrific article grabbed my attention:
-- Growing up, many black people are taught an emphasized sense of pride and self-assurance of loving oneself that their white counterparts are typically not. White men do not need validation in a world that already justifies their existence --
This really nails it. As a member of the majority culture, I am never in need of justifying who and what I am.
The comments following my video interview were strong, indeed. Many questioned whether I, or any non-black man, can be trusted when discussing interracial gay romance. While I understand and appreciate the skepticism, the suspicion, the cynicism, it is a shame that there is such a divide within the gay community.
i definitely agree with you Danc09. What pains me is the self hatred within the black LGBT community, because not only do you have being black held against you in a white world (which is slowly turning into the minority than the majority), you are vilified for being gay as well. The line "if you're white, you're alright/if you're black, get back" doesn't exist for no reason. I truly feel while there are white men out there who fetishize blacks and black folks who get with white men for reasons of stature and validation, not all are that way. Relationships should be judged on an individual basis or how about not judged at all.
Who people choose to date is their business. At the end of the day while you're passing judgement, you're not the one going home with said individual. I still hope not only for the black and Latino LGBTQ community to find it within themselves to find that self love, but stop with the racist stereotypes and open their minds and hearts to dating different kinds of men from different backgrounds and cultures.
Fascinating and, alas, rather depressing, Kris. The wounds are so deep and raw, and yet so fresh, from the black prism-of-vision, that the gay + interracial chasm at times seems unbridgeable.
I have become good friends -- I dearly hope it becomes more than good friends -- with a black man. We have been out on a few casual dates. Last week, we were at MOMA. It was crowded and, at one moment, I took his elbow in my hand to guide him to a specific painting. I did it without thinking, it was natural, instinctive.
After a moment, he eased his elbow free of my tender grip and moved a step away. I was surprised, but waited until we were at a restaurant having dinner before I brought it up.
He said the physical contact in public made him uneasy. It isn't something he's natural with. Black men, as he put it, don't announce their gayness in public. When I pointed out to him that here in NYC, when a black man and a non-black man are out at a museum, a movie, a restaurant, we're pretty much nailed as gay by those around us. Not in any negative sense, merely a passing fact.
This made him uneasy, he'd never really considered this. I was the first non-black man he's ever dated and this information made him think twice about dating a non-black man. Though he's somewhat out, the idea that being perceived as gay by those anonymous people who pass you in the street gave him pause.
As a black man, he said that he's built up an outer shield to deal with the racial slings and arrows of everyday life. This shield, of course, includes being gay.
If being in an interracial relationship undercuts this shield, then he isn't sure he's ready for dating me, a non-black man. Though it disappoints me -- I very much life this man -- I understand fully his reasoning. He isn't the first black man whom I've dated who to express this.
Revisiting this, it reminds me of a comment made by an old friend: In the end, everything in America is about race.
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